And Where Does It All Come From?

For someone with very limited resources, I have more than my share of "excess". Aside from the plague of  junk mail, I seem to have accumulated an overabundance of clothes I don't much wear, bath and/or beauty products I don't much use, and a new abdominal roll I don't much like. Unless there is a wormhole in my bathroom cabinet and my closet, I'm dragging it all in piecemeal.

Now, there are situational factors at play; I have transitioned from an occupation requiring dressy attire to two temporary positions, only one of for which do I even need to wear clothing. (As a telecommuter, not a nude model.) As I greatly hope to return to my former occupation, I will keep all of the clothing except that which I no longer love. I've never given much thought to the beauty and bath realm - I've basically just presumed it was baggage that came with the second X chromosome. But when I pause to reflect on this, several scenarios come to mind that may explain why my bathroom resembles the dumpster of a cosmetics company:

1. I enjoy skin care and make-up products and frequently get them as gifts.
2. My skin decided to break out suddenly after I hit thirty so I started trying new regimens to fix the problem.
3. I am always on the look out for something better and/or cheaper.

So it seems the best solution to this is to find something that works and stick to it, as even if it seems pricey it will be cheaper than trying nine other things. I could also point out products I like to my family to prevent any gifting that results in blue eyeshadow or skin irritation.

As for my increased mass, I will wear simply a pedometer to see how much I'm moving around and I will keep a food journal to keep track of what I am and am not eating. For if there is one thing I have learned so far in the month of mindfulness, it is that I am often acting mindlessly.

A Disturbing Realization

The life I am currently living is getting in the way of the life I want to live.

Where Does It All Go?

In trying to be more mindful, I have suddenly realized that I often have no idea where my resources are going while they are in the process of being depleted. It is only in the aftermath as I'm staring blankly at my ATM receipt at my bank balance or doing a double-take when I look at the time do I suddenly and desperately crave a breakdown of my spent personal capital. What is most striking to me is that while I have been trained to automatically evaluate financial decisions and ask "Is it worth the money?" I seem to lack even a moment of hesitation before throwing time or energy away.

Happily, it seems many principles of the business realm apply to time and energy as well. For example, gross and net. If I put bedtime off a couple hours, it may seem as if I've gained some time; however, the next day I will lose that time and then some as I will lack the energy and mental clarity to accomplish tasks in a small amount of time. Perhaps an even better axiom is "You have to have money to make money." Substitute time or energy for money and the proverb still holds true. With time, I have discovered that dedicating a few hours to plan meals, make an accurate grocery list, and shop carefully can save me several hours over the course of a week. In the case of energy, there is exercise, whereby forcing myself to expend the energy to peel my body off the sofa will paradoxically lead to having more energy overall.

While working, I must account for my time,energy, and progress to prove I am an asset to the company. This is usually done with many spreadsheets and the use of an electronic planner. But I don't do anything like this for my life and goals. Really, should I be surprised that I accomplish far more in my work life than in real life? Does that on some level mean I feel the company's needs and goals are more important than my own? Having stayed up until 2:00am a couple days ago to compile data for a meeting, it may. I want that to change.

The Meaning of Resolution

"This year, I'm making a resolution to _______."

That is how we typically hear or see the term "resolution" used these days. Except of course when Congress uses it - in which case see synonyms: mess, pork, tax, disaster. But in all seriousness, in the spirit of mindfulness I decided to look up the other various meanings of the word. Ponder my findings from dictionary.com :

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion

–noun

1.	a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.

2.	a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

3.	the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

4.	the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

5.	the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.

6.	the resulting state.

7.	Optics. the act, process, or capability of distinguishing between two separate but adjacent objects or sources of light or between two nearly equal wavelengths. Compare resolving power.

8.	a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc.

9.	Music. a. the progression of a voice part or of the harmony as a whole from a dissonance to a consonance. b. the tone or chord to which a dissonance is resolved.

10.	reduction to a simpler form; conversion.

11.	Medicine/Medical. the reduction or disappearance of a swelling or inflammation without suppuration.

12.	the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image as measured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.

Ironically it seems I've actually made a "resolution" by not only deciding to break the year into parts of a journey, but also by the fact that no matter what, there will be a result.

At least I'm learning.

Anti-Resolutions?

At the start of each year, I'm always asked if I have a New Year's resolution. Often, I deny that I do; meanwhile, a voice inside my head screams several suggestions about my various shortcomings and flaws that should really be addressed. So secretly I make a few resolutions...and you know what happens by mid-February: instead the flavor of chocolate from a heart-shaped box, I have the taste of failure sprinkled with guilt in my mouth.
One would think that I would simply refuse to consider any self-improvement around the month of January, but the catch is there are things that I desperately want to do (or at least believe that I desperately want to do) within the next year. New Year's is built into our culture and provides us with a delineation of old and new. We are encouraged to reflect on the past year and welcome in the new year with hope that it will be better. Resolutions are then made with the hope that we too will be better than we were last year.
I'm all for hope and I'm certainly for being a better person. It's the "breaking" of the resolutions and the resulting emotions I'm against.So this year I had a different idea based on the Zen idea of mindfulness. Every month will be given a theme for me to explore and I will observe how I feel and what I learn as I go. No judgment allowed - only mindful observation.
This is going to be very difficult because I will have to grow the new neural pathways in order to change, "Crap, I just ate a pint of ice cream! Bad, bad, bad!" into "Oh, I ate a pint of ice cream. I don't feel good about it, but I think it probably happened because I was still hungry after dinner. I should be able to prevent this behavior by eating more filling healthy foods during dinner and then controlling my portion of goodies."
I have several ideas for monthly themes, but will not be making final decisions until the last day of January - because January, I have already decided, is the Month of Mindfulness.
Stay tuned!