Yes, I'm Aware It's August

Balance is not learned in a month! And balance is deceptive; sometimes to achieve personal balance one must surgically extract all elements not related to one's most important goals - blogging, for example. The bad news is that I am in fact a terrible blogger. The good news is that I have experienced personal growth while still focusing on my personal balance. What have I learned?

For starters, the most difficult part of reaching your own equilibrium is deciding what is truly important to you, and then recording it. You may have to confront some difficult truths. To my horror, vanity appeared on my list and I could not honestly remove it; I like appearing well-groomed and have been forcing it into my schedule. Far better to just acknowledge it and plan accordingly. Another surprise was that my current job doesn't make the list. I still have it, because paying my bills is still a priority. But I no longer stress as much about it, because when written in black and white, I can see that I truly do not care as long as I still receive a paycheck.

I also learned that the priority list is subject to change at a moment's notice. This really should not have been a surprise, as I wake up a different person every day; however, it was still jarring. Like most people, I had never made it a habit to make time to reflect on what was important to me on a regular basis; I merely assumed that what was a high priority to me in the past was still a present imperative. But I receive new information every day and have only a limited supply of energy. It is up to me to process new knowledge and adjust accordingly. I never realized this before - of course, I knew I didn't want the same things now that I wanted when I was seven or twenty - but I was unaware of why.

Let's use a ridiculous example. Currently exercise has a fairly high personal ranking, as I have discovered it helps me stay not only slim, but sane. Now, pretend that many studies were done that conclusively proved eating birch bark had all the benefits of exercise, was superior in preventing Alzheimer's disease, and made the complexion radiant. I'm guessing exercise would get crossed off my list and replaced with "obtain birch bark" and "find tasty, easy birch bark recipes" because putting a great deal of time and exertion would then be a waste.

It may be a preposterous example, but is it any more absurd than throwing life energy at something that is no longer important to you? It would be like buying the Barbie dream house you wanted when you were four instead of paying the mortgage on your current house (provided having a roof over your head is a priority for you.)

So take some time to reflect and unearth your true priorities before you waste any more time or money on false ones.

Theme for March

The theme for March is balance.

Traditionally, like many Americans, I have never been good at balance. Have you ever noticed how we as a society phrase most things? We use words like "prioritize", "my superior", and "focused" without even thinking that they implicitly imply that some things or even people must be more important than others. But that's almost never true, is it?

True balance is difficult because it means not just splitting everything into equal fractional bits, but rather achieving equilibrium. Since there is no formula to follow, the only way to do this is by trial and error - and of course, to err is to fail and failing is bad and therefore you are bad. It sounds ridiculous, but whether you will admit it or not, I'd wager that at least your subconscious has ran down that road before you could catch up with it. It's part of the problem with being in a polarized culture. It's easier than risking certain failure to just rank things in the order we think we should and throw proportional amounts of energy at them. But will doing that make you happy? Of course not.

To make it more difficult, we like to assume that we are static. It may seem easier to believe we do not change and not have to constantly reassess, but in truth aren't we incredibly dynamic beings? Think of a decision you recently made and were happy with. Got it? Now, honestly, would you have been happy with that same decision 10 years ago? Five? One? How many times have you been very happy with a decision you made only to ask your self "What was I thinking!" at some point in the near future?

So, balance. It's hard and I'm going to fail frequently and perhaps in big ways. So what?

Lessons From Febrary

Regarding my February goals:

I did in fact learn how to make a fire and keep it going.

I discovered that while I love coffee, I also love Earl Grey Tea, Tazo Chai, and Cherry Vanilla Tea. And while I already know that I hold Green Tea in high esteem I reconfirmed that matcha is king.

I did not buy fuzzy socks, although there is still time. I did however discover that "borrowing" the husband's tube socks to also be effective.

While I didn't focus on sun salutations, I did get my yoga on and found it to be warming in general.

I took some baths instead of showers and I sleep much, much better after a bath.

Why Warmth?

February is my most hated month. The holidays are over, the weather tends to be slushy and overcast, and I am tired of winter. My friend suggested I thus choose warmth for this month's theme. I tend to be that person who is always freezing, so focusing on staying warm certainly dovetails with my personal desires. I set a few goals related to physical warmth:

1. Learn how to make a fire in our fireplace and keep it going (we have one of those new-fangled fireplaces that is actually efficient.)
2. Try to consume warm meals and beverages whenever possible.
3. Buy fuzzy socks. It sounds silly, but I am tired of looking for/rewashing the two pairs I have now.
4. Do physical activity that creates the sensation of being warm. I had originally wanted to start with sun salutations, but with the three feet of snow we have received, I have also decided that snow removal and cleaning the floor also counts.

But there is of course more to warmth than the physical - there is also the emotional. I tend to gag at the "warm and fuzzy" references, but doing nice things does improve one's mental state. For instance, I was not a fan of Valentine's Day, with all of its commercially romantic trappings. But when my brothers moved to different parts of the country several years ago I decided to send them packages for Valentine's just so they know they were loved, even if I couldn't see them. I now look forward to creating and mailing them a box of goodies and gag gifts every year. So I would also like to add some "emotional warming" goals to the mix....

February's Theme

The theme for February will be warmth. There will be an explanation. There will be wordplay. Hopefully, there will be growth.

Lessons from January

Although several days behind, I thought I would take a few minutes to and review lessons learned in January:

1. I am so busy with day-to-day tasks and putting out little fires that I don't have enough energy left to work on my bigger and/or longer-term goals.

2. I'm not sure which goals of mine are higher on the priority list because I haven't actually prioritized. Why? Because I don't want to concede that I can't actually do it all. At some point soon, I'm going to have to reconcile, even if my list winds up being "shallow" by conventional measures.

3. I am unaware of the flow of incoming and outgoing resources. If I want to know about emerging patterns, waste, etc., I will have to keep records.

Now, a word on the how the experiment will work. I have by no means mastered the art of mindfulness. February has begun, but mindfulness must continue. Like a layer cake, we will build on previous months using them as a foundation.

And Where Does It All Come From?

For someone with very limited resources, I have more than my share of "excess". Aside from the plague of  junk mail, I seem to have accumulated an overabundance of clothes I don't much wear, bath and/or beauty products I don't much use, and a new abdominal roll I don't much like. Unless there is a wormhole in my bathroom cabinet and my closet, I'm dragging it all in piecemeal.

Now, there are situational factors at play; I have transitioned from an occupation requiring dressy attire to two temporary positions, only one of for which do I even need to wear clothing. (As a telecommuter, not a nude model.) As I greatly hope to return to my former occupation, I will keep all of the clothing except that which I no longer love. I've never given much thought to the beauty and bath realm - I've basically just presumed it was baggage that came with the second X chromosome. But when I pause to reflect on this, several scenarios come to mind that may explain why my bathroom resembles the dumpster of a cosmetics company:

1. I enjoy skin care and make-up products and frequently get them as gifts.
2. My skin decided to break out suddenly after I hit thirty so I started trying new regimens to fix the problem.
3. I am always on the look out for something better and/or cheaper.

So it seems the best solution to this is to find something that works and stick to it, as even if it seems pricey it will be cheaper than trying nine other things. I could also point out products I like to my family to prevent any gifting that results in blue eyeshadow or skin irritation.

As for my increased mass, I will wear simply a pedometer to see how much I'm moving around and I will keep a food journal to keep track of what I am and am not eating. For if there is one thing I have learned so far in the month of mindfulness, it is that I am often acting mindlessly.

A Disturbing Realization

The life I am currently living is getting in the way of the life I want to live.

Where Does It All Go?

In trying to be more mindful, I have suddenly realized that I often have no idea where my resources are going while they are in the process of being depleted. It is only in the aftermath as I'm staring blankly at my ATM receipt at my bank balance or doing a double-take when I look at the time do I suddenly and desperately crave a breakdown of my spent personal capital. What is most striking to me is that while I have been trained to automatically evaluate financial decisions and ask "Is it worth the money?" I seem to lack even a moment of hesitation before throwing time or energy away.

Happily, it seems many principles of the business realm apply to time and energy as well. For example, gross and net. If I put bedtime off a couple hours, it may seem as if I've gained some time; however, the next day I will lose that time and then some as I will lack the energy and mental clarity to accomplish tasks in a small amount of time. Perhaps an even better axiom is "You have to have money to make money." Substitute time or energy for money and the proverb still holds true. With time, I have discovered that dedicating a few hours to plan meals, make an accurate grocery list, and shop carefully can save me several hours over the course of a week. In the case of energy, there is exercise, whereby forcing myself to expend the energy to peel my body off the sofa will paradoxically lead to having more energy overall.

While working, I must account for my time,energy, and progress to prove I am an asset to the company. This is usually done with many spreadsheets and the use of an electronic planner. But I don't do anything like this for my life and goals. Really, should I be surprised that I accomplish far more in my work life than in real life? Does that on some level mean I feel the company's needs and goals are more important than my own? Having stayed up until 2:00am a couple days ago to compile data for a meeting, it may. I want that to change.

The Meaning of Resolution

"This year, I'm making a resolution to _______."

That is how we typically hear or see the term "resolution" used these days. Except of course when Congress uses it - in which case see synonyms: mess, pork, tax, disaster. But in all seriousness, in the spirit of mindfulness I decided to look up the other various meanings of the word. Ponder my findings from dictionary.com :

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion

–noun

1.	a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.

2.	a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

3.	the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

4.	the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

5.	the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.

6.	the resulting state.

7.	Optics. the act, process, or capability of distinguishing between two separate but adjacent objects or sources of light or between two nearly equal wavelengths. Compare resolving power.

8.	a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc.

9.	Music. a. the progression of a voice part or of the harmony as a whole from a dissonance to a consonance. b. the tone or chord to which a dissonance is resolved.

10.	reduction to a simpler form; conversion.

11.	Medicine/Medical. the reduction or disappearance of a swelling or inflammation without suppuration.

12.	the degree of sharpness of a computer-generated image as measured by the number of dots per linear inch in a hard-copy printout or the number of pixels across and down on a display screen.

Ironically it seems I've actually made a "resolution" by not only deciding to break the year into parts of a journey, but also by the fact that no matter what, there will be a result.

At least I'm learning.

Anti-Resolutions?

At the start of each year, I'm always asked if I have a New Year's resolution. Often, I deny that I do; meanwhile, a voice inside my head screams several suggestions about my various shortcomings and flaws that should really be addressed. So secretly I make a few resolutions...and you know what happens by mid-February: instead the flavor of chocolate from a heart-shaped box, I have the taste of failure sprinkled with guilt in my mouth.
One would think that I would simply refuse to consider any self-improvement around the month of January, but the catch is there are things that I desperately want to do (or at least believe that I desperately want to do) within the next year. New Year's is built into our culture and provides us with a delineation of old and new. We are encouraged to reflect on the past year and welcome in the new year with hope that it will be better. Resolutions are then made with the hope that we too will be better than we were last year.
I'm all for hope and I'm certainly for being a better person. It's the "breaking" of the resolutions and the resulting emotions I'm against.So this year I had a different idea based on the Zen idea of mindfulness. Every month will be given a theme for me to explore and I will observe how I feel and what I learn as I go. No judgment allowed - only mindful observation.
This is going to be very difficult because I will have to grow the new neural pathways in order to change, "Crap, I just ate a pint of ice cream! Bad, bad, bad!" into "Oh, I ate a pint of ice cream. I don't feel good about it, but I think it probably happened because I was still hungry after dinner. I should be able to prevent this behavior by eating more filling healthy foods during dinner and then controlling my portion of goodies."
I have several ideas for monthly themes, but will not be making final decisions until the last day of January - because January, I have already decided, is the Month of Mindfulness.
Stay tuned!